February 19, 2011

Lets go to the movies (Also small review of "I am number four")

Hello friends,

Today I had the pleasure to go to the movies, and as we most likely already know I'm going to make fun of every little bit of it.

The moment I stepped into the car I knew tonight was going to be fun. One of my best buds had to work a night shift and so could not go out. But that didn't stop me and his girlfriend to go and make fun of him and his predicament. We decided to go watch a movie as both of us where bored. After poking more fun at the dude that we where going to see a movie we went to decide which one to see.

After a small discussion who is the leader, and a small fist fight, the girl came to the mandatory choice of "Alpha and Omega"

Which is a story about 2 wolfs, other then this I do not know what it was about as we did not see this movie. You may ask, Why? Well the story goes something like this.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH", those where the sounds my best buds girl where making inside her head while I was driving. As I drive like a nut trying to escape a crazed squirrel that has a nut fixation, I tend to scare man, woman, children and small mammals. After hearing the 6th time praying to a deity from the girl, I decided to slow down a little as I could not see the squirrel anymore in  my rear view mirror anyway. The girl seemed to breathe more calmly and started to blink again.

When arriving at the movies and actually finding a place to park in the labyrinth that is called the "Parking Structure Of Doom" (Indiana Jones can be seen at night running away from giant boulders!). We went down to the Cinema entrance. The elevator looked so tempting, so close by, so easy to use with only a push of the button.

But, it was not to be. For you see she had this crazy idea of using these old style stairs. Stairs? Really? Ooh well, legs do not fail me now! We walk to the side where a large exit sign is above of a door. She intends to go in, I just know it. She opens the door and a smell of 4 day old homeless guy hits me in the face. The area the stairs are in are hot, smelly, loud and basically make your mouth taste like blood. Finally we are down, the fresh air welcomes me as a hug from a strange girl. As my brain celebrates the fact no homeless guy was down the stairs to kill us, I notice we are close to the cinemas. We walk towards the entrance to buy tickets. I notice a small sign on the window, "Sorry but the movie Alpha and Omega is in Dutch". Now friends, I am Dutch, I understand it so perfectly. This however does NOT mean I like Dutch movies. To me Dutch is not a language to make movies in, specially not when it was meant to be given in English. It basically like saying "Lets make a movie about a banana, but, we change the banana to a cat for other countries". Basically what this does is change the whole way the movie in a certain way that... I just don't like Dutch sounding movies ok?

So after taking a movie folder that was hanging from a plastic container outside. After going over our options of seeing the next "Big Momma" movie or something called "I am number four" we decided for the last option. As I am not paying around $12 for a movie that contains a dude dressing up as a grandma. So after a short and scream-less drive we arrive at the other movie theater (Yes we had to go to the other one, there 2 movie theaters on the island in case you are wondering. One is new and has nice seats, good air conditioning, and nice screens. The other has busted, chewed up, squishing, wet sounding seats that smell like old moldy popcorn has bad air conditioning and basically bad movie experience. 

Still it could be worse, we could still have this place.

So we paid for the movie and went inside. Handing the ticket to the concierge (The dude in the monkey suit that looks under aged, underpaid and on drugs) he asks "So seeing 'I am number four'?". To which I reply "You mean number 5 right?". Him confused "no 4" . Replying back "You sure?".  Him more sure of himself now "Yes". Replying back "Oh ok". Him saying "It's in hall 2". Me replying "You mean 3?". Him all serious "No 2". At this point I didn't like the joke anymore so I moved on.

Deciding what to eat in the movies is always hard, they have so many wonderful expensive substances. There's small to large cokes for prices 5 times higher then in any supermarket. You got popcorn, which is basically expensive air with butter. Pizza, which one slice has same price as almost a medium pizza. Hotdogs with every topping you can think of for the prices you can buy a small car in certain countries.

So I got a medium cola and popcorn for myself, the girl decided for an Ice tea.

Off to the movie itself, we got a pick of seats as there was almost nobody in the room. Who wants to sit on those seats anyway. We tried to look for the seats with still the most amount of arm rest attached, and the least amount of smell or floor stickiness. After sitting down we munched the popcorn and soon the movie started.

The following is the actual small review of the film "I am number four".

I am number 4 is a thriller, action, drama, comedy sci-fi kind of movie. Which means completely nothing on it's own as I can classify my own toilet as the same thing if I stick a camera in it. Does that mean this movie was a piece of shit, no. Does it mean it smelled, no. Does it mean it flushed down easy, maybe.

The movie starts off showing a jungle, monkeys screaming. Trees everywhere. camp fires showing there is other things going on then monkey orgies. Then suddenly a small shed with 2 males in it. All I know is I was hoping this was not broke back mountain the jungle edition. A noise outside awakens one of the man, he grabs a knife that glows blue. Why does a knife need this? Couldn't they put tape around it? If you are trying to be stealthy and hiding your presence a blue glow giving you away is most likely not the way to go. Anyway these two get killed right off at the beginning by some giant monster. Right away I know, this is going to be about aliens.

So I was right, it was about aliens!

That is our main character, selectively chosen to be handsome, and make girls need sponges in their pants. We find out they come from some planet and 9 survived with their protectors. So the movie continues showing that our main character has some special powers he inherited from his parents. He's from a planet that he and the rest got kicked out of by these guys.

They are the evil aliens, wearing evil matrix suits, have evil eyes and teeth and clearly are just evil. Seriously, they could not have been less creative with these "Aliens", they basically looked like giant walking sharks (With freaking laser beams). They are out to kill our main hero who has his powers to protect himself.

So bad ass, he has flashlights for hands! Sure hope they don't need battery replacements. So he can make his hands glow, is super limber and somehow strong. His powers can best be explained as he's the energizer bunny on steroids. He also gets a pet.

This dog was first a lizard, before that we can only guess. We know it can change shape from early in the movie. But we know nothing else. It pretends most of the movie to be a cute harmless dog. Then suddenly when our main character is in danger it transforms in a giant mutant dog and protects its master from the creatures we saw in the beginning of the movie. It gets flung through walls and doors, bitten and stung. And what does the main character do? He runs away. The mutant dog wins the fight of course, but is extremely wounded and blood flows from him. The movie then brings us to the final battle which ends in a giant explosion. Then suddenly we are back to the house of the main character, but at no point does anybody go back for the dog. We do learn it is a Chimera from his home planet, but apparently trying to save his life he was not important enough to go back for. In the end the dog does show up at the house, which is a far away from the field where the battle took place. All the characters look happy at seeing the dog, but I know if the dog could speak it would say "Fuck you assholes, you all left me to die. Gonna shit my mutant poop in ya'll shoes latter".

The rest of the movie you can see for yourself. The movie was not bad, it just made no sense a lot of the time. Still worth a watch as a matinee, not as a full price.

Well here I end for now, and friends what did I learn this time? Hollywood ran out of ideas, they are making a movie about little red riding hood and it will be a thriller!

See you all at the movies!

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