September 20, 2012

What a computer is and is not! (Part 1)

Hello my friends, one again I see myself writing complete and utter nothing. So let's get started with part UNO! of my little guide.

I am a IT geek, this means computers are a large part of my life. So large a part that I spend more than 10 hours a day behind them (Closer to 16 hours, but who's counting). I get a lot of requests from people to help with their computer issues, so I have a lot of stories of these "Issues". Let's start with one of the earliest computer "Issues" I got as a geek of the computer age.

1. Cup holder?

I was a System Administrator, that is a person who basically works with computers at a high level. In short we know what you installed, downloaded, watched and yes that means also those fun pictures of slightly under dressed donkeys! One of my clients called me telling me they could not read their cd-rom, the drive would not close all the way. I went to the user and found something I did not expect, mostly due to my inexperience with user stupidity.

You see this is a cd-rom.

Compact Disc, round and shiny.

And it goes into your cd-rom drive to read/write, and this is a cup for liquids to drink.

I never knew those lines meant that, the more you know!

Now a cd-rom drive has a hole in it to allow the electric motor to click in and rise up into the cd-rom so it can spin it, allowing it to read or write the data. However, some apparently see a hole and just have the need to stick things into it.


A cd-rom drive can fit a cup, but it is not made for it. It is like seeing your dog yawn and think, I can fit an umbrella in there!

Also fits walking sticks, bricks, PS3 controllers, the list goes on and on.

A cd-rom drive is filled with electrical motors, one being too close the door, another to spin the disk, one to move to laser left and right and some more. These are however the most important ones to be able to use the drive. Now the thing is when a cd-rom drive (at least when you have one that opens electrically) it will close itself after some time again (Depending on brand it can stay open until you restart the system). When it closes, if your cup is not so strong or small it will fall, leak, etc all over the drive. Causing a lot of "stuff" to leak into the drive jamming it up eventually. And this is what happened, the whole drive was filled with cola, coffee and what I can only describe as a small forest of fungus. The user informed me he had been using his "cup holder" several times a day but now it had to read a cd and it just wouldn't. Now I can't slap any client on the head, but I sure wanted to. This user didn't understand me when I told him the cd-rom drive was not got cups. After several minutes of trying to explain it I gave up and replaced his "cup holder". I had to replace it several more times after till I finally left that strange place. 

2. Zombie Keyboard.

Most people might not realize, but your keyboard is several times more dirty than a public toilet! It holds deceases, fungus, bacteria, food, dust and specially fats. You might think "What you talking about fool?", well studies have shown some disturbing things. "Out of 33 keyboards swabbed, four were regarded as a potential health hazard and one harbored five times more germs than one of the office's toilet seats." Now think about that word "Health Hazard". Ever heard anybody say "Hey don't use that toilet it is a Health Hazard" or "Stay away from that hooker, she's a Health Hazard". Ok well, the last one might somewhat be true. Still we're talking about keyboards here, not hooker, unfortunately.  Now my story.

One day, while I worked at a service desk for computers, a client came by saying her keyboard no longer worked. I asked her to show me the keyboard and what I saw was just horrifying.

Alphabet herb garden!
No, it was not growing green weeds, but it was growing white fungus, keys yellow from tar and nicotine, most keys sticking because of spilled drinks, and many, many food crumbs. The keyboard was doomed, I didn't even wanted to touch it fearing I would get the Ebola virus. This keyboard surely was found in a dumpster, that was sunk into a pile of shit. I informed the client that unfortunately there was no way to safe her keyboard, I instead informed her to buy a new one. She bought a new one, after which she threw the old keyboard in the dumpster outside. Now comes the interesting thing, after work when I went to the dumpster, all the garbage was there, except the keyboard. I can only imagine that it now walking the earth, forever looking for memory to eat as a zombie keyboard. 


Well this ends part 1 of my special guide to what computers are, and what not! I hope to write more again soon so I can maybe inform the few that actually take my advice.

Till next time!

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