January 27, 2011

Let's go driving (The driver guide of Curacao)

Hello friends,

(The following is a generalization of stereotypical behavioral observations, do not be offended as they are written to amuse.)

Today I'm here to talk about the wonderful world of Island driving and how it affects you in your daily life.Yes you, the normal person that loves to go into the car, start its little engine and happily go on your way to wherever you wish to go. But boys and girls, there's danger on them there roads. So lets see what there is to watch out for shall we.

As any person knows without a road, any kind of road (Even those going off a cliff into sharp pointy rocks), you might just as well not have a car. The roads on Curacao are a wonderful blend of deadly and extreme flatness, so flat in fact that it goes into the ground in the form of anti flat also called holes and cracks. Ok, so they are not so much flat as they are full of holes and other fun objects. The thing to remember is this, the faster you go the more it will cost you. Tires blow fast when you drive into a hole 30 centimeters deep. The problem is this, the people scream "we want our roads fixed", the government screams back "We got no money". Then the next day the government announces they will subsidize a new Hotel with millions, saying the same line always "It will create jobs". While jobs are nice, it would be nice to drive to work without loosing a wheel (And your children vibrating out the window). I do not understand why these holes can not be fixed, does it not create jobs to fix the road? Yet, with every little rain the holes grow and more tires go "poof". So yes the roads are bad, but also deadly. You need to be a off road track star for some of these to survive the trip. Ever seen an Olympic skier go down the slopes. Well that how you drive these roads, fun for a while. Annoying soon enough when the holes are as wide as the roads themselves.

So now we covered the roads, somewhat. Might have forgotten the rocks, actual bad pavement, rain waters going over the road, oil, dead animals and the occasional homeless drugged and screaming it has a smurf in its butt. But we also got the car, for years the cars been checked for few things before being allowed on the road. Mostly does it have brakes, does it have lights, does it smell funny? These days they check for a little more like, does it have all lights working, does it smell really funny? And of course if your car has issues and does smell really funny, you can always take somebody along that knows the people that check the car and they will forget to smell it. This highly selective way of checking cars has the side effect of allowing James Bond like cars on the road. With James Bond cars I mean the ability to create smoke screens. When driving behind these kind of cars it seems always impossible to pass them in anyway.

But what are cars without drivers, the fun drivers. Let us try to look into each one separately shall we.

The old people,

Usually can be easily classified, they drive slow as they believe in the myth that if they go fast, they will grow older faster. They usually drive in the middle of the road and brake for green lights just to make sure they do not need to brake extra when it goes orange. The old person will usually drive a beaten down old mobile that smokes and smells like a factory. They will never pass the car in front of them, as passing people would mean speeding up. These are also the same people that when they see a curve in the road they will brake as hard as they can. They do this as the Grim Reaper might be around the corner and they wish to escape as soon as they can then.

The tourist,

Can be classified by the following behavior. They will always brake, for anything. "Look Steve, a cactus quick brake". Make sure to try to pass these as soon as you can as they will drive slow like old people, but unlike old people they do not watch the road. The tourist driver will look for the following.

A lizard
A cactus
A tree
A rock
Some water
An airplanes
The sky
A horse
A cat
A funny looking house
A funny looking house cat
Anything that is not the road

They will hit their brakes hard, without even thinking there's somebody behind them. Make a picture of a scared lizard that just got a hard attack from a flash. Then smile at each other and drive off. In the meantime behind them a car pile up has given 4 dead and 2 wounded.

Tourists are one of the more dangerous drivers on the island, but they are nothing compared to the following.

The passerby,

The passerby are the people you see drive past you when you are standing in a traffic jam waiting for it to move. They are the kind of people that no matter what need to pass all the people in the row and endanger everybody. The passerby believes it is being cool, smart and everybody else is an idiot for not driving against traffic past all the people waiting in the line. These people have no patience, no manners, and should be shot on sight. Many times have these passerby caused accidents where others got killed except for them. A law should be made that if you find one of these people you should be allowed to shoot their tires out. The passerby will always drive through red, pass anybody it can, endanger anybody it can. If the passerby is blocked in anyway it will honk, use its light and be the biggest asshole it can be. The easiest way to deal with these is to ignore them and try to get them to crash their cars.

The "I don't care" driver,

The "I don't care" driver will always drive through red, will brake hard when he needs to get off the road, will use his high beams when driving everywhere at night. He does not care how he drives as long as he is comfortable. Everybody else out there to him can't drive and is so a moron. The "I don't care" driver usually drives a car that is way slower then he thinks it drives. He will never allow people to pass him, he will never let people in front of him. Anything he can do to make you scream and wish him dead he will do. This type of driver is so far always a guy and can only be stopped when the girl next to him informs him to stop or else.

The "Woman",

The woman drive will drive slow like old people. She will not watch traffic like tourists. She will believe she is being cool, smart and that everybody else is an idiot like the passerby. And does not care about others in traffic. The woman will multitask in the car by doing her hair, nails, shoes, make-up and underwear cleaning while driving and talking into a cell phone. Why this must be done in the car and most of it not at home is unknown to half the planets population, specially the testosterone side. Yet it seems the car is their studio for anything that has to do with their looks. The only way to deal with the woman is to turn the other way, and go to a happy place. They are everywhere and can not be stopped in no way, just give them the keys as you are wrong anyway for denying them. No it does not matter if it your car, no it does not matter if she got no drivers license. Just give her the keys and you will life.

The "I'm a racer" driver,

The "I'm a racer" driver is just a pain in the ass, they usually will drive a car that they believe makes them the (wo)man. The car usually always makes to much noise and does not go fast. The racer will drive in precisely the same way as the "I do not care" driver and most likely is closely related.

Then we finally have the bus driver,

The bus driver is easy to spot in their little buses. They drive all over the island and believe they should receive special treatment because they have a small bus. They usually drive drunk, drive to long, and drive like the passerby drives. The bus driver has the added bonus that usually their buses are filled with kids. Do the math here yourself, there should be a central number to report these kind of drivers when they drive like this you can report them. For punishment they should be tied to a bumper of another bus and taken for a ride.

Still most people drive pretty decent, even though every person in front of you is a moron and the person behind you an asshole. But hey, at least you drive perfect, right?

Have a great day friends, see you on the streets!

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