July 06, 2011

Idiots Zombie Survival Guide

Well hello friends,

Been a while hasn't it, well I've been busy and not so busy and mostly just doing more off the same. I've been feeling like I should write something again for some time, and the time to write is now (That is if this blackberry of mine ever stops interrupting me @#@*@$*$!**).

So what to write about, I've written some guides, and some completely crappy pieces off nothing. And today I'm taking you into the dark world off Zombie Survival. Why this, well it something I've been very interested in ever since I've seen my first zombie movie. It got me thinking "How would I survive, would I even survive and what would be the factors determining survival". Well to go deeper into the fantasy Island of Curacao that I will try to create we first need to go into the basics.

The Zombie.

As we all know zombies are undead, or partially alive but diseased in some way or another. So depending on the type off zombie attacking there are different battle plans.

Type I, "Slow and Stupid"

These types are most common in movies and in the general world population that listens to Justin Bieber. 
Justin Bieber without make-up, and a slight skin infection (He'll be fine stop crying).

So slow and stupid is what you want, mean nothing easier then just walk through the street and zip between the sluggish pieces of rotting meat trying to get to your cortex. Hell make it fun and Play "Whack-A-Zombie".

10 points if it stops moving at first hit!

The best way to go about "Slow and Stupid" is to not go to narrow streets, stay in open spaces where you can easily dodge them and of course bring something to whack with.

Type II, "Fast and Hungry."

The "Fast and hungry" type off zombie basically are speed eaters. they will run after you at full speed and try too devour your brain. These type off zombies are the worst, as you can not try to outrun them without getting tired and eaten. The only thing you can do if you are spotted is to go into some sort of defensive mode. 

Type III "Intellegent Undead"

These type of zombies are basically humans that have gotten a taste for flesh. They have an urge that can't be stopped, while still being as smart as they where before. The positive about these types is, that people are idiots in general. 
Top picture shows average IQ per country, as you can see Curacao(Caribbean) is average of 85.

So we have an average stupidity on the Island so to say (Glass is half empty look at it). So on average 1/3 zombies might be a problem in this case. If you are in China, well just give up.

Best way to outsmart these zombies would be to be in protective high ground where you can take care of them with a nice intelligent head shot.

 His face just screams "Einstein"!

With this chart you should be able to determine which type off zombie is heading your way!
From left to right Type I (Crawler, Shambler), Type II (Walker, Runner), Type III (Runner, URFucked)

Now for protection we have many choices, first off all body armor.

Well isn't that cute... BUT IT'S WROOONG!

For a zombie it does not matter how gay you are dressed, it will still try to eat you! So put those panties away and look for something with more metal to protect that body.

Ok, close, sexy, BUT STILL WRONG!

While I can understand the need for giant lion pets in a zombie world, it too can become zombie food fast against those fearless hunger monsters (Just imagine any kid at a kids party at Mac Donald's just before they get a happy meal). No, what we need is armor that is though, easy to move in, and will protect the whole body.

Much better, be it far less sexy...

Meet the protective gear from Damascus Protective Gear these are the guys that make top off the line protective raid gear. It is not cheap, but if you expect a zombie attack to come soon it would be wise to buy these gears for the whole family. 

And some doggy armor while you are at it.

Lets not leave out the cat.

Ok this might be a step to far!

Ok no we're protected, now weapons. Many would say, guns, rocket launchers, pistols, cars, etc. I keep it simpler.

Ok, that overkill.....

Not bad, but needs to look cooler if want to survive and attract the babes!

 Better, but not sure if it says "Hey look at me, I will so safe you"

 Better, but not very mobile, need something I can carry and still get the babes!

Perfect I'll take 12, you also got children's sizes? 

Best weapons are those that need no fuel, and no ammunition. Or easily replaceable ammunition like any kind of bow. Else Knives, swords, or even heavy hitting objects like hammers will do. Remember zombies go down only after massive head trauma, and what better head trauma then no head at all!

There's more I could write, but would you want to read it? If so leave a comment on this page below and I shall make a Part 2 of the idiots guide. Till then I will leave it at this!

Have a good night off the living dead my friends!

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